Defeated

Do you ever have those moments where you just want to throw your hands up in the air and yell, "I'm done...I've had enough....I give up?"  (If not I could take a lesson from you).   I have had a handful of these lately in this quest to be bilingual.  As I said in my last blog, learning the Spanish language is hard, and lately it has been a little frustrating.  Here are a few reasons why…

I had a few wake up calls these past few weeks.  First I completely shut down in Spanish class, I nearly failed my Spanish exam, and I couldn't think of any of my Spanish vocabulary when I met with my conversation partner.  To say it was a little frustrating is an understatement.  Let's start with "completely shutting down", well, I didn't understand so I asked "No entiendo. Como se dice en ingles?"  (I don’t understand, how do I say in English?) My professor responded in Spanish that the class is a Spanish Class and he was not speaking in English.  So I repeated myself, this time a little more frustrated... "no entiendo, como se dice...?"  Finally he obliged, as for me, I was done, checked out.  I attempted to complete the task, but truly was only  waiting for the clock to strike 12:30.

Fast forward, a few days I walked into that same class to take an exam, after finishing and handing my test in and walked out confident, confident that I had done poorly.  It was on me, I failed to prepare.  That same week I sat down with my conversation partner and I couldn't seem to structure a sentence to save my life.  I felt defeated.

My hands were in the air, I was ready to yell, “I’m done, I give up!”…Then it hit me, I didn’t do my homework, I made a choice not to prepare.  I was defeated in my own ability, and  I realize I am a stubborn perfectionist...and want it to come easily, but it doesn’t work like that.  

I’m driven by percentages and letters those on report cards or transcripts and those in red ink on an exam. If it is not an A or a B, it is an F in my book. (Unhealthy? Yes, a current lesson I am walking through). We live in a society that wants things and wants things now, and I have a bad case of this consumption view.  I want to learn it and I want to learn it now.  I am stubborn, and a perfectionist, two things that do not play nice with each other.  When my professor didn't respond, he had a point, I was simply being stubborn, my desire to switch back to English was a crutch, it was easier and took less effort. 

As frustrated as I get, I have to remember, it is worth it. I will have these frustrations when I go to Costa Rica, these are the frustrations my students that are learning a second language in my classroom will have.  As for this week, I will drop my pride, study a little harder, take a deep breath, laugh at my mistakes and keep trying, or as a good friend of mine once said “drink some water, take a knee and ranger on”.

More positive blog to come!